This Hurts Worse
by seeleybaby
Summary: Set right after Season Three Finale. Brennan and Booth work things out
1. Chapter 1

Brennan pressed her head on Booth's shoulder, clutching Zack's acceptance letter in her hand. She remembered typing it, remembered identifying with him so much as an empirical scientist…oh…the tears fell onto his jacket and she felt his forehead press into hers.

"It's okay", he said, and she knew he didn't mean this whole thing with Zack. She knew he was referring to the pain that had been swirling around and between them for the past few days. He stood up and helped her up, then walked her through the lab toward her office.

"Booth" Angela said.

"Not tonight, Angela. I've got her."

Brennan could see the pain on her face was causing pain in her team. 'That's what it means to be close' she realized. When people feel pain because you are, you belong together.

"What's that Bones?"

"Hmmm?" He was shuffling her into her office and helping her gather her coat and purse.

"It sounded like you said 'you belong together".

"Oh…I was just thinking, I guess."

"Okay, want to talk about it?"

"Yes, but…not…not here." Another source of pain. Her 'house' as Booth called it now had pain…she needed to get out of there.

"Okay, Bones. I'll take you home." It had been a hard week for Booth too. He wasn't leaving her tonight until they had it all settled.

He drove her home, not asking, just doing, and she didn't complain. She'd gone into emotional shock, staring out the window. He didn't want to start this in his car, so he just waited.

As he walked her into her apartment, she crumpled. He caught her in his arms and moved to her couch.

"Bones."  
"He was here, Booth. Zack was here, not that long ago. Helping you with my father's case."

"I know Bones."

She pressed her face to his chest and her hands curled in his jacket. He lightly stroked her hair and her back, knowing this was going to be hard.

"It hurts worse, Booth."

"What's that?"

"This hurts worse." She pulled her head to look into his eyes. "This hurts worse than my parents, than you…than anything I've ever faced…he was mine, you know?"

"Yes, Bones, I do know."  
"I mean, it's like a child. He was MINE, Booth, and I didn't protect him…I should have. He wasn't ready…and now…" she pressed her face in his neck for comfort and he could feel fresh tears on his skin.

"You know, Bones. I feel guilty too."

"What?"

"Well, remember when we were blown up in the cab, and I chased after Gormogon? I tried to kill him, and I didn't. If I had, then Zack would never have killed that lobbyist. This thing could have been avoided."

"Booth…no…this isn't your fault. It's mine. It's all my fault."

"No, Bones. It's not all your fault. Cam was right. Zack is an adult, and he made his choices. I'm so sorry, Bones. And yeah, I get that you're feeling responsible. I'm proud of you for feeling that way, even if it's not rational." He kissed her forehead and she tightened her grip on his jacket.

"It hurts worse."

"I know"

"I don't want to hurt like this Booth."

"I know, I know."  
"Make the hurt go away, Booth."  
"Bones…I…"

"Please, Booth…"

"Bones, I can't."

'What?"

"I can't take away your pain." He tipped her face to look in her eyes. She saw sadness reflected in them. "No one can take away pain, it just has to fade away."

"Yeah, you are right."  
"I'm not leaving though."

"What?"  
"I can't take away your pain, but I'm not going to leave."  
She started crying again.

"Bones, it's okay. I know it hurts. Betrayal is hard."  
"Booth, I thought you were dead."  
"Ah, Bones…I'm sorry I hurt you."

"I know…I know you are. I'm sorry I punched you in the face."

"No, Bones. It's okay. I mean, I was shocked, but I thought you knew, you know? You were right, I should have called you. You're my partner. I trust you. I'm sorry Sweets didn't tell you, and I'm sorry I didn't tell you."

"It's okay. I'm just glad you are alive. Booth…"

"I know, I know….I missed you."

"I missed you too."


	2. Chapter 2

"Booth, can I ask you a question?"

"Of course, Bones. Anything."

"Well, why didn't you call me?"

He pulled back to look in her eyes. Hadn't they just covered this?

"Bones, I just told you…I thought you knew…you were on my list, and…I'm not sure how many times I can tell you…"

"No, I mean, I get that. You thought I knew…so, why didn't you call me? If you thought I knew, why couldn't we talk? Why didn't you call me then?"

Oh…

"Well…I wasn't really supposed to do that. Trust me, I picked up the phone about a dozen times a day. I thought you knew, and part of that is no communication…"

"Oh, okay. I believe you."

"Thank you."

She turned to lay her back against his chest.

"You thought about calling me?"  
Booth knew this was an important moment. Everything up to this point could be counted as two partners comforting each other after a hard day, but this…he took a chance.

"Yes, I thought about you, a lot."

She pulled one of his hands into hers.

"I did cry, you know."

"Hmmm?"

"I cried. When I heard you were dead. That night…"  
"Bones, you don't have to do this."

"No, I want to. I know I told Sweets I compartmentalized it, and I have, but that first night, and the night you were shot…"  
'I know Bones."


	3. Chapter 3

Brennan turned on the couch and moved to sit on her knees.

"Booth, what do I look like to you?"  
"What?"

"I mean, what do you see when you look at me?"

"I don't know, really pretty eyes?"

"No…" she stopped and for a moment almost smiled in shock, "I mean, I'm logical, right?"

"Yes, Bones, very logical…almost to a fault, I guess."

"Yes, that's what I'm saying. I'm…"  
'What is it, Bones?"  
"Do you think I could ever do something like this?"

"Like what…like Zack?"

"Yeah, you know, get caught up in logic so much that I'm willing to kill another person?"

Booth realized she was really worried about this. It made sense; she and Zack were a lot alike, so seeing him, her 'apprentice' turn toward what she considered evil would be scary. He pulled both of her hands into his, careful to keep his touch light as he considered his next words.

"No, Bones. I personally don't think you are capable of something like this."

"How can you be sure?"

"Well…it's like Sweets said, you have a value of human life."

"But he said that was because of my deep emotional connection with you…"

He looked into her eyes, answering without words.

"Sweets is right." She realized. "And that is how I failed Zack."  
"Bones…"  
"No, Booth; please. I mean, yeah I know it's not all my fault, but…Sweets is right. My emotional connection with you keeps me grounded, and Zack, he didn't have that, so…when someone else showed an interest in him personally, he responded. If I'd been more focused on him emotionally, then I could have prevented this."

"We all could have done better at that, Bones. Not just you, but you're right. It's important to keep people close. I don't know if you could have prevented it, but I know you made a huge difference today."

"What do you mean?"

"Well, when we were with Zack. I was, you know, trying to get the information, and maybe kind of bullying him, but you, you met him where he was, with logic, and you also got him to acknowledge who the Master was, and how to get him. You saved the day, Bones."

She smiled.

"And…" he continued… "you used physical touch. You touched Zack and showed him you still cared for him. That was an emotional connection….your touch."

She considered his words for a moment, then placed one of her hands on his chest, right above where he'd been shot. She could still feel the bandage there, and for the second time, tears welled in her eyes.

"I'd do it again, Bones."

"What?"

"Take a bullet. For you."


	4. Chapter 4

She placed her other hand over his heart and leaned in to press her forehead against hers. He was careful to keep his hands off of her body. This wasn't sex; she was trying to thank him, trying to tell him how sorry she was for dismissing that one thing, his standing in front of that bullet. For her.

"I'm sorry"

"I know you are Bones."

"How did this happen?" she whispered.

"Bones?"

"This emotional connection? How did we get here?"

"The same way it always happens between two people. We took a chance. Somewhere along the way, I decided to let you into my life, really let you in, and…"

"And I've let you into my life."

"Yes, and I love…that."

She pulled back to look in his eyes.

"I love that too, Booth."

He swallowed at the admission in her gaze. His fists clenched when she leaned down and pressed her lips against his, his palms aching to touch her, but again, he knew this wasn't about sex; she needed to feel him, really feel another human in her arms.

He continued talking.

"When two people are in close contact, they begin to care for one another. It becomes natural to want to take care of one another…"

She moved her lips to his forehead and kissed his cheeks, moving down to press her lips against the skin of his jaw.

"You can touch me too Booth."  
"No, I don't think I can, Bones."

"Why not?" Her lips moved to caress right under his ear.

"Because I'd be taking advantage of you, Bones."

"How?" She moved back to his mouth, brushing against his lips, while her hands moved up to squeeze his shoulders.

"Well, Bones. You've had a really bad day. A bad couple of weeks, really, and you're not yourself, so…all of this…I don't want…"

"You don't want me?"

He groaned.

"I do want you Bones, but…I don't want you to have any regrets. I don't want to take advantage…"

She stopped kissing and pulled back to look in his eyes.

"You are in a vulnerable spot, Bones. Maybe you aren't thinking clearly, and…I…don't want to hurt you more."

She pulled his hand up to cup her face.

"I thought you were dead, Booth. And a little part of me died that day. And you are right; we did take a chance, and it hurts, it hurts so much, sometimes….but…"

He raised his other hand to touch her shoulder.

"I want to take care of you Booth."

It was the most alluring sentence a woman had ever spoken to him.

"Bones…"

"And, I want you to take care of me too."

This time when she pressed her lips against his, he welcomed her. Wrapping his arms around her, he allowed his lips to caress hers, to absorb her pain and express all the comfort he had to give. She was comforting him as well as she ran her hands down his chest and around him, drawing him closer, trying to sooth the hurts.

He stood up, lifting her in his arms in the process. Just to be sure, he lowered her a bit so their eyes were level.

"What do you want me to do, Bones?"

Clear blue eyes pierced with truth and understanding.

"I want you to carry me to my bed, and I want you to make love to me."

Without breaking eye contact, he carried her down the hallway and into her bedroom where he set her on her feet. Keeping their eyes on one other, they both undressed quickly, quietly.

He was a man, and she was a woman, and they were alone, together. He pulled her hands up to rest on his shoulders, and he moved his arms around her waist.

She gasped as he pulled her body to meet his, firm meeting soft as she moved her hands down his back, learning his body, this man she knew, for the first time. He pressed a kiss against her neck, and her knees buckled. He caught her, and gently laid her on her bed, lying next to her.

He stroked a hand across her forehead, brushing her hair out of her face, and he was surprised to see a single tear streak down her cheek.

"Is this too much?" he asked as he brushed it away.

"No, yes, maybe. I don't know…"  
"We can stop if you want."

"No, Booth…I want to feel…I want to feel you here." She pulled his hand up to cover her chest. He could feel her heart beating underneath and he lowered his head to press his lips where his hand had just been. She ran her hand through his hair and pressed him to her.

They poured acceptance and peace into one another with their hands and lips and words, and when the time came for them to join together, Booth settled on his back, letting her take the lead, knowing she needed to give to him. He gave by receiving her touch, and she gave by receiving him into her body. He rolled her underneath him and looked into her eyes. He saw sorrow and fear and comfort and love. As he pressed and retreated, she pulled him tighter, not wanting to lose any of him, not even in this.

Her hands clenched his arms as her body did the same, and he gave everything he had to give, gently releasing them to one another.

He collapsed against her for a moment before raising himself up on his elbows to look at her face.

She still had sadness in her eyes, but also a peace. She pressed her palm to his precious face, and pulled him down for a kiss.

"Thank you Booth."

He smiled.

"My pleasure, Bones…believe me." He rolled to his side, keeping her in his arms. "One day, Bones…one day soon, we're going to have a good day, and we'll do this again, and it will be good. We'll be happy again, Bones."

She snuggled up to press her nose in the crook of his neck. He could feel more than hear her laughing.

"What's so funny, Bones?"

She looked up, and he was struck by her beauty. Her face shone with emotion, for him. She laughed, even as a couple of tears ran down her face, and she wiped his chest where they dropped.

"You're pretty special, and cute, even without your beer dispensing helmet."

He laughed.

"Come on, Bones, admit it, you thought that was a pretty good idea…"

She was silent for a moment.

"I think you and I are a pretty good idea, Booth."

He looked into her eyes.

"I…" she grew serious again, "I love you, Booth."

"I love you, Bones."


End file.
